Hey Tennessee Valley, what did you do this weekend?
Did you hang out with the family? Get your drink on? Cookout?
You know what I did? I spent 8 hours in the ER with a Kidney Stone on Friday, followed by rolling around in a mix of narcotic haze and extreme pain on Saturday until I launched a 4mm crystal cannon ball out of my fishing tackle on Saturday evening!
But why does this make me the Tennessee Valley's biggest rock star?
It's a joke first off, get it, ROCK STAR! But the other thing is, I've passed more stones than most people could ever imagine.
One stone in a lifetime is bad enough. Two is worth sharing with a shrink. For me, that's child's play.
The stone I passed on Saturday was my 105th.
That's not a joke. Over the past 20 years I have passed 105 kidney stones, and I've had 4 surgeries to remove kidney stones. They hurt. They hurt bad. Real Bad.
But, on the plus side I get to try out all the newest painkillers*, multiple strangers both male and female have seen and touched my junk (medical staff), and I have an excuse to drink beer everyday. It's medicinal!
This picture below is number 105 that I passed Saturday.
I had my first surgery to remove a stone in 2011. It was roughly the size of a tic-tac. I had my second surgery two weeks after that because the surgery was unsuccessful and didn't break up the stone enough.
My 3rd surgery was in 2015. That one was a breeze.
My 4th surgery was in 2016. That one sucked. The stones didn't break up as much as they should have so instead of having one big stone, I now had about 4 not as big but still big stones that I had to pass with the help of pain meds and flowmax.
Lots of people think this is what Kidney Stones feel like.
But that's not the case, it feels more like this.
When you actually pass the stone, even though it can be uncomfortable to pass, it's usually so quick you feel like this afterwards.
I've had every special drug, done every diet, and unfortunately the doctors tell me I'll have them for the rest of my life. So thank you for the suggestions but I've tried it all.
So that sucks, but it makes for some great stories. Not much in the way of pain gets to me anymore except the stones, but even then I've passed the majority without medical help simply because after probably the 25th or so you get to know your body so well, and the levels of pain can differ so you can determine, "Is this an ibuprofen stone or is this an ER stone with a Vicodin vacation?"
So yes, I may be the biggest rock star in the Tennessee Valley. Literally.
I'll sign autographs for $20 each, and there better not be any green M&M's. So help me god for every green M&M I find, I'm gonna make you eat one of those stones.
*Painkillers have there place and value under medical supervision but should never be abused.